Double Pride: Why Being Out in my Fraternity Made Me a Better Member.
Every fall, thousands of students join the ranks of fraternities and sororities seeking what we all sought… “a home away from home” or “family.” Oftentimes we hear words like “authenticity” or “be your whole self” during recruitment, but is that what is actually desired in members? This article hopes to share the experiences of two LGBTQIA+ members in bringing their whole self to their fraternities and how it made for a better experience.
Jake's Experience
I came out as gay, or more accurately was outed, my freshman year of high school. Growing up in a small, privileged, mostly farm community in Texas, I lost the bulk of my guy friends as soon as the news spread. I fell into that hole of really only having girl friends. It was great to have their support, but I felt I was missing out on that bond with other guys. I have 3 older brothers, but they are all 16+ years older than me, which didn’t help fill that need.
The summer before college, I began looking into fraternities on campus as a possible avenue for me to find that brotherhood that I felt was missing from my life. After reading news regarding homophobia and hazing, I began to think that fraternity life wasn’t really for me. Fortunately, I was convinced by a friend to give it a chance and get to know the members and the community before casting judgment on them. So that’s what I did. I spent a week getting to know the men of one particular fraternity and they sold it to me well. Everyone was tight knit and they took the time to really get to know all of us freshmen for who we are. Yet, I still hadn’t told them I was gay.
As the week went along, I became more afraid that if I told these guys I was gay, they wouldn’t want me to join. However, the night of the formal invite dinner, two brothers sat me down and told me that they could tell I was holding back and that if I couldn’t be honest with them about who I am, then it defeats the purpose of a brotherhood. So… I told them. Not even 5 seconds later, they handed me my bid card. I just cried and they hugged me. It was one of the most significant moments of vulnerability in my life.
In the fall of 2009, I became an initiated member of the Beta Eta Chapter of Phi Kappa Sigma Fraternity at the University of North Texas. In my time within the chapter, I held numerous leadership roles, aided in building the chapter from 13 to nearly 100 members, became one of those crazy students that got involved across every facet of campus, and was even recognized as Greek Man of the Year in 2014. One of those two men that handed me my bid card became my Big, and 14 years later, his daughters call me Uncle Jake. I love the brotherhood that I joined and could not be prouder to call myself a Phi Kap.
Christopher’s Experience
I knew I was gay early in my life (around age 12). Growing up in the Midwest and knowing you were different was not what I would call a recipe for happiness. While I have step and half siblings, I grew up (functionally) an only child. Siblinghood relationships were not something I had available during my formative years.
I am the “always joiner.” High school consisted of concert band, marching band, orchestra, the yearly musical, honor societies, peer mentoring, and D.A.R.E., to name a few. If someone needed a person in their student organization, I was their guy. Prior to attending Southern Illinois University Edwardsville (SIUE), I knew a fraternity was on my list. I met with the FSA, John, in the fall of 2001 and asked about the process, options, etc. He provided me with wonderful advice about meeting multiple organizations during the course of “Rush Week” to ensure I made the best choice. Because I was a smart and savvy 18 year old, I promptly did NOT listen and picked the biggest, most popular chapter on campus. I accepted my bid on a Friday and had dropped by Sunday. Mistakes were made. It was a year later that I was introduced to the fraternity that became my home: Delta Lambda Phi. They were new to my campus, and I was asked to participate as a founder of the chapter. Of course, I jumped at the idea and was inducted in September 2003.
Being a member of a queer identified fraternity provided me with opportunities I would have never dreamed of: Traveling across the country, meeting the majority of the active members, finding my best friends (two of whom are in my upcoming wedding), but most importantly…it was the first time that someone outside of my family told me that my authentic self was perfect and that I did not need to change. It was the first time my identity as a gay man was affirmed and celebrated by my peers. During my high school years, I was bullied for what my peers assumed was my identity. Delta Lambda Phi was the first time all of those years of torment went away as I was welcomed into a siblinghood of people who liked me and were like me.
Why you should do it
Being gay and being a member of a fraternity does not always conjure up thoughts of acceptance and belonging. It is easy to assume that the hypermasculine spaces that fraternities can inhabit would create spaces of exclusion and bigotry. While there are outliers, we are incredibly pleased to see that this is not the case for most fraternities. During our combined years working in FSL, we have seen students from all walks of life, with many differing views, come together under the banner of their fraternity and affirm one another.
On one campus in particular, Christopher watched a member of a fraternity advocate for a potential member of the same fraternity to be able to join. The interesting piece of this story is that the potential member had espoused rather strong, anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric in his past and the student advocating for him identified as LGBTQ+. They were able to find common ground and help each other grow. Watching this growth happen is something that will stick with him forever.
A fraternity is a place where you can and should be your full, authentic self. There are chapters on your campus that will see you and celebrate you. They will have your back no matter what happens. They will be the first ones you turn to in celebration times, and they will be the first ones who pick you up when you need it most. Being a member of fraternity is one of the greatest gifts that life has given me, and I am forever grateful for the chance to be counted among the number of people who are affiliated with these wonderful organizations we call fraternities and sororities.
While we are aware that our experience is not the same experience felt by the entire LGBTQIA+ community, as we both share the identity of being white, cisgendered, gay men, we have had the opportunity to witness how fellow members of our community have been embraced within fraternal spaces. There is still more work to be done to ensure our spaces are inclusive of all, especially for our transgender and non-binary siblings, but we believe that the future of fraternity and sorority life is just as bright as the rainbow surrounding each of us.
jake bates
Jake Bates is the Associate Director of Fraternity & Sorority Life at lafayette college. Jake has worked in fraternity and sorority life for the past 8 years at the University of Texas at Arlington, Texas Christian University, Lindenwood University, and Phi Kappa Sigma International Fraternity headquarters. Jake is a Texan native and received his Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Master of Education in Higher Education - Student Affairs from the University of North Texas. At UNT, he joined the Beta Eta Chapter of Phi Kappa Sigma and remains an active alumnus, serving as the Dean of the Ambassador Program. In addition to being a member of AFA, Jake is a committed volunteer for the AFLV and NGLA, and a harm prevention facilitator for Delta Gamma and Kappa Kappa Gamma.
christopher miofsky
Christopher A. Miofsky currently serves as the Associate Director of Fraternity and Sorority Life at the University of Denver. He is a graduate of Southern Illinois University Edwardsville (SIUE) where he obtained a B.S. in Sociology and the University of Missouri - St Louis (UMSL) where he obtained a M.Ed. in Adult and Higher Education. At SIUE, he joined Delta Lambda Phi Social Fraternity and remains an active alumnx of DLP serving as the Director of Fraternity Growth (expansion). Previously, he has served as the FSA at both Lindenwood University (St. Charles, MO) and Washburn University (Topeka, KS). He also volunteers for AFA, AFLV, Sigma Tau Gamma, and Phi Gamma Delta. Being out and proud is one of the greatest joys in his life and he hopes to inspire all of his students to live their authentic lives regardless of identity.
